I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
