Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
