Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
