Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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