So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I need water and some morals
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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