I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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