3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
