the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
