I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
