Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize
