just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
