We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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