Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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