Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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