Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
