Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
