Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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