HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
