My first STD was from a foam party
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
