Betty ford says i'm here all night
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
