I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
