at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize