if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
