You work out of a Hotel?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
