I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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