it's too hot outside to masturbate.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
