he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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