New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize