hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
