I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
