I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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