i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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