no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize