this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
