So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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