I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
