At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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