Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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