So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
