I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
