You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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