In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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