Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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