also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
