I must be too annoying 4 u.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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