hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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