Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
