The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
