I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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