the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
