but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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