So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
