oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
