His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
