Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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