Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
