i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
