the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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