you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize