So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
