I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
