i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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