I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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