i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
