I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
