why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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