after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
