btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
