the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
