Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
