i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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