Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
