When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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