Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
