He asked to "fluff my boner.."
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
