I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
