in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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