I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
